Hello everyone.
I would like to wish all moms a Happy Mother’s Day. All of you are amazing. I pray for your health and prosper along with every happiness in this world.
To my late Ibu,
I miss you very dearly. A year has passed but I do not seem to move forward even an inch. It is really hard growing up without your love and attention. I crave for the love you gave me. I crave for the hugs and kisses you always give me. I miss going to the surau for taraweeh and get a hug and a forehead kiss every single time. I have to admit, I feel so jealous when everyone leans to their moms during ceramah. I miss talking to you and guessing what are the food they are planning to serve during moreh. I miss your nasi ayam. That was the last real meal you made us. I remembered the taste of it and I told you that you should sell it because it was scrumptious.
I know, people are getting tired of me talking about you. But I feel so lost and alone. I feel like I have no support system anymore. With you, I felt secure. With you, I knew that things are moving well even though I know everything is breaking apart. You knew all the right words to calm me down. You knew how to comfort me when I get hurt by someone. You always supported me when other people do not even acknowledge me. It sucks knowing that you will never get to be called a grandma one day. It kills me everytime you said that you will never know my boyfriend until you die. I wish I knew that you will leave me this early.
Two years ago, before raya you told dad to celebrate raya in Ipoh with opah. Her words are very clear in my mind. “Jom lah raya Ipoh selagi opah ada. Berapa lama lagi kita nak raya Ipoh kan?”. Little did I know, that was your last raya ever. That raya was so humbling to me. We had financial constraints but during raya, you made the best out of it. That was the best raya I have ever experienced in my entire life. Ibu, I wish I could buy you a Duck shawl and telekung Siti Khadijah that you always wanted. I wish I had the money to buy when you were still here. Now that I always get free stuff from PR, I wish I could share with you. I wish I could make a make over video with you during Mother’s day like everybody did. It hurts like crazy when I see everyone be posting photos of their moms. I wish I could give you one last hug mom. I wish you could wipe my tears and pat me to bed tonight. I am drenched in tears. I am a total mess. If only I could turn back time and treat you like a queen. I would. But back then, I was 22, jobless and during my first pay, you got really sick. I never get bored of taking care of you. Deep in my heart, I really need you here today. But I know you would be vegetative and you would want to give up your life if you are still present up till today.
My life has been a total mess ever since and everyone thinks that I am doing okay. It is okay ibu. I am learning to live without you. I am learning to take steps without you. I am learning to move on at my own phase. I just wish you could see me now. I know you are there looking for me. I know that you are there witnessing me. I wish that you are just a phone call away. But we are in two different worlds now. I pray for you now and then. I will forever miss you. I still cry over you on a daily basis. I miss you so much and as always, I love you to the moon and back.
Love,
Keerasara
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