Day 227

It is a cold night. In my mind, a thought kept on lingering. I remember that I used to cuddle with somebody. But I have a vague memory of it. I wanted to hug and cuddle the same way with my dad or my brother. I immediately know they are not the one. Now I recently remembered that it was ibu. Who always cuddle with me on most cold nights. She was there together wrapped up with a comfy thick blanket. It was her. I missed it ibu. It has been 7 months, I think that I am learning a lot on how to live without you. Never in my life I would thought that I will live without you. I guess they were right. When you love somebody way too much, they are bound to be taken away. Ibu, I know you are up there resting. But I really miss you. Life has been terrible without you. I have been through dirt and dust without you accompanying me. I still cannot believe that you are not here during the days I am recovering. Next to the post surgery recovery. I am trying to heal from my depression. Everyday I wake up with a mission. Everyday I wake up with a motive to stand strong and move along without you. Instead of being in bed reminiscing the things I could not get back. I fulfilled my time with my hobby. Honestly being able to keep doing contents for @keeracakedherface really brightened my days. But that bliss lasted for a few hours. I needed help. I asked for help. I seek for help. Yet I am still hopeless and broken. I am not only emotionally broken, I am physically broken too. I am only 23. I tried my very best to be strong all day. But I feel like life is treating me unfairly. I lost my mom. The one I loved the most. Why do I have to go though all other bullshits in life? This road is never ending until the day I die. Everyday I am waiting for you ibu. But what lie am I caught into? Because you will never be back. You will never get to see me achieve anything in life. Back then when we were tied up with financial difficulties, I could not help you with anything. But today, when I can actually pay bills and give the things that you need, you are not here anymore. 

Every single time I see a friend with a mom, jealousy builds up in my heart. I want to be able to hold my mom’s hand too. I also want her to be there when I get married. I never think of marriage. I have my reasons. I cannot imagine how does it feel like on the wedding day and she will not be on my side. Who will take care of me if I had problems? I do not have anyone as understanding as ibu to vent out to. Today marks 227 days since she left us. By the way, she was sick for 227 days before she passed away. Also, 227 is my birthday. Coincidence? I guess not. I was born unlucky. Why me? Why not the people who do not have a close bond with their parents? Why not the ones who take advantage of their parents and why not the ones who talk rudely to them? Why me? Why me? This is the question that I will never get any answer. People will tell me, it has been 7 months and maybe I should move on. Maybe these people should step on my shoe and try to walk with it. I am trying. The hardest. Dear Allah, please tighten my heart. Please help me. I miss her too much. I love you to the moon and back. There is never a day that I don’t miss you. Please visit me if you got time because if I do not have the chance to meet you in real life anymore. Please come to me in my dreams.. 

Love,

Keerasara