What to expect : The Worst Is Yet To Come

Hi readers. 

I have been so slow at updating my blog recently. I am too busy with work. I have no time to write. On the past Friday, I fell asick and undergo and operation. I would never expect that it would happen to me. Everything went well but one thing, I really miss my mom. Opah is here to take care of me when I am sick. But back then, when I was sick, my mom took care of me at any wards and at any emergency room. I am still grateful that my dad is always there for me and always quick to do any decisions. But honestly I feel so lonely and sad knowing that my mom is no longer around to take care of me. People around me will have their mom on their special days. But it made me feel sad that I do not know if my mom knows about what I am going through with my life. I cannot stop questioning myself. Why bad things happen to me? Why do I always get the worst thing in life? Why me? I trust Allah's plan. I obey His commands and why do I have to go through rough things at a young age when there are way many people who did not do anything for Him. I just lost my mother and that was my biggest fear. I am sad and most of the days I tried being the best version of myself. I tried to change for the better every now and then. Hoping that people would understand my struggle. I swear, I tried going to work acting like I never lose a mom or there is no burden on my shoulder. I go out with friends to forget things. I mingle around because I do not want to lose myself. I wish people could accept me the way I am. I am trying to be the same person and living my life as the cheerful one. At work, I barely think too much because I want the best for myself. I want to prove that I am able to be a hardworker even though I have a burden. I do not think people will notice that I am a problematic person at work because I am positive that I hustle hard, working my bums off everyday to proof that I ain't weak. I have times at work where I break down into tears but after a few seconds I am back to my work. I do not jumble up my personal feelings in to work. Never. But every time I come back home, it feels like my depression keeps on crippling back to me. I am hopeless, helpless and clueless about myself. I tried getting help. God knows I tried. I wish my mom is still here so that we could talk through the shits I am going through. I remembered the day when I was hospitalised in this Ipoh Hospital and she was there next to me saying that everything is going to be okay. Every morning in the hospital she would make me Milo and sandwich to feed me and pats my head when I was in pain. I miss you mom. It is too early to lose you and I can never move on from this pain. I know, that the pain I went through is nowhere near to those 11 operations you had. But I could not handle it. I wish I could still reunite with you now even in my dreams. I miss listening to your doas. I miss Solat Jemaah at home, where daddy, Aizat, ibu and I are together. Ibu would always give me the sincerest kiss and that hug. Going to the mosque without you and seeing other people with their moms reminds me of us. I miss you mom, everyday. But today, I miss you a little bit too much. People will say "Move On" or "She will be seeing you from up there" but words, they cannot comfort me. Please show up in my dream sometimes. Only Allah knows how big is my love towards my mom and dad. This special bond that some people can never understand. To ibu, I still wish you could be there on my next check up and get this stitches out. I am scared of the doctor!! Or being in pain in general, I am scared. The operation was the death of me. I swear. However, ibu, I know you will never be there. Your spirit is always with me. I am weeping and I miss your embrace. I love you to the moon and back. Till then! 

Love,

Keerasara